Saturday Morning Phone Call

SATURDAY MORNING PHONE CALL

A soft stream of light filtered into the bedroom from the small nightlight in the bathroom and the light from the moon coming in through the open window, illuminating the two naked bodies in the large bed. Livi shifted slightly as she raised herself up onto her elbow, well-manicured fingers trailing over Deuce’s chest. Her fingers lightly trailed over his nipples, smiling softly when he arched a little in his sleep but didn’t stir, the smile quickly turning into a frown as her fingers moved up to rub over the healing bite mark on her boyfriends shoulder. She had first noticed it when she had stripped off his shirt on the couch earlier, but no matter how much she wanted to ask, she just let it slide.

Things had been strained between them lately and when he had called to tell her that he was staying in Boston for a few more days, she should have been able to sense that something was wrong. And when he came home, he had such a guilty look on his face she immediately knew that he had met someone. She never imagined that Deuce would be the kind to cheat, but the evidence was right there on his neck; the bite marks from some woman he had met at the conference no doubt. A woman who was still on his mind. He had been distant since he’d gotten home, even when they had had sex last night, she could tell that his mind was a million miles away.

But, she knew he felt guilty. She could tell by the way he had held her tonight, almost as if he had been afraid to let her go. Livi sighed softly as she looked down to the foot of the bed where Winchester was sleeping on Deuce’s feet, shaking her head slightly. That cat was completely devoted to Deuce and if it wasn’t so cute to see the little orange ball following him around constantly, it would have been annoying to have to fight the kitten for her boyfriend’s attention.

“I love you, Deacon…” she whispered softly, kissing his cheek as she cuddled up next to him, smiling when his arm wrapped around her, pulling her closer as she closed her eyes and finally fell asleep.

Deuce quietly slipped out of bed, being careful not to wake his sleeping girlfriend, leaning over to brush her lips with a soft kiss before pulling on a pair of boxer-briefs and a pair of well-worn jeans before moving into the bathroom. He was completely lost in thought as he went about his morning routine, practicing what was going to be a very, very rough conversation in his head. He limped toward the kitchen, pouring himself a cup of coffee as he leaned against the counter, his eyes closed. His first smile of the day came from the feel of tiny kitten claws digging into his jeans as Winchester meowed and climbed up his leg, demanding breakfast in the way that only kittens can.

“Okay, okay, breakfast for the kitty.” he laughed softly as he poured some food into a bowl, leaving it on the counter as he picked up his cell phone, glancing toward the bedroom to make sure that Livi was sleeping before stepping out onto the terrace, not wanting to risk being overheard. He knew that Livi had seen the marks on his neck and collarbone the night before and that he had been lucky as hell that she hadn’t mentioned anything about them.

He lowered himself into one of the chairs with a soft sigh, checking the time to make sure it wasn’t insanely early. 8:45… he wasn’t sure what Nick worked today, but he knew it was now or never before he lost his nerve. He swiped the front of the phone, hitting Nick’s name in his contacts with a shaky thumb, he closed his eyes when he finally heard the familiar voice on the other end.

Nick hadn’t spoken to Deacon in two days. He’d been trying to give D space to navigate the choppy waters in Philly and figure out what he wanted. Nick knew that Deacon not being as straight as he thought he was was a lot to deal with in itself, let alone figuring out where his relationship stood with his long time girl. He figured the guilt was probably eating away at D no matter what, it was just the kind of respectable guy Deacon was. God, Nick missed him, he’d been thinking about Deacon almost none stop since he’d left and had picked up his phone a million times wanting to send a text of call. Today, he decided, would be the day he’d call D to see how he was doing. Nick had gotten up early, back to not being able to sleep since Deacon left, though he hadn’t actually had any nightmares he just felt the absence of Deacon in his bed too strongly to get any proper rest. He’d gone out onto the back deck to read the paper with his coffee, resolving that as soon as he was done he was calling D. He’d just finished up the sports page when his phone rang and he smiled when he saw Deacon’s name, along with the picture that Nick had snapped of them kissing, pop up on the display. It seemed he and Deacon were still on the same wave length even all of these miles apart.

Deuce took a deep breath as he dialed the phone, closing his eyes once he heard Nick’s voice, steeling himself for the conversation that was about to happen. “Hey... We need to talk...”

Nick’s smile faded at the tone of Deacon’s voice combined with the dreaded words he’d used, “What's up?”

He sighed softly, his voice hesitant at the sound of Nick’s voice. “That was probably the shittiest way in the world to start a conversation, huh...?”

Nick smiled sadly around the pit in his stomach, “I've heard worse.”  Not really

 “You're lying.” Deuce couldn’t help a small smile, trying his best to keep his voice upbeat despite how he was feeling.

“Maybe,” Nick snorted, then let out a little sigh. “No, really. You don't have to say anything, D...” Please don’t say what I know you’re going to say, Nick thought, I don’t need to hear the words.

“No, I do... you need an explanation... This week was...” god, he couldn’t even finish his sentence. There was no way to put the last few days into words.

“Amazing...” Nick uttered. “But I get it.”

Deuce smiled at that. Amazing. That was one way of putting it. “Yeah, yeah it was fucking amazing...” He went quiet for a moment or two, hesitating as he tried to gather his thoughts.  “Livi knows that I was with someone... kinda hard to miss the bite marks...”

“I'm sorry…” and Nick was. Not really for putting them there, but for causing Deacon any kind of trouble or pain.

 “No, no don't apologize... she hasn't said anything... but the look in her eyes? Yeah, she knows...” He sighed softly as he leaned his head back, fingers going to unconsciously touch the healing marks on his collar bone.

Nick swallowed hard and waited...so, maybe this wasn't going to be a bad call? Maybe they’d broken up? “And...?" he tentatively prompted.

“The guilt whenever she looks at me...” He took a shuddering breath, knowing that what he was about to say was going to hurt Nick. “We've been together for two years...I love her.”

And there it was. . So, not a good call than. Nick looked down as hope faded, “Yeah...yeah, or course you do, D. Like I said, I get it. I...it wasn't like I was expecting anything anyway.” He squeezed his eyes shut at the lie.

“We may not be able to fix things, but we have to try...” Pauses for a moment as he swallows hard; he hadn’t realized exactly how hard this conversation would be.

Nick kept his eyes closed and rested his head back on the outdoor couch,”You should. She...she's probably a good girl.” Fuck that hurt to say.

He smiled sadly as he closed his eyes, knowing Nick didn’t mean anything he was saying about Livi. “Wouldn't have stayed for so long if she wasn't.”

“I'm not exactly a relationship kind of guy.” Nick pinched the bridge of his nose and faked a laugh, “and you are, ya know?, So...you guys should be happy.”

Deuce could hear the hurt in Nicks voice, knowing that he was the reason for his pain just adding to the guilt on his shoulders. “I'm so, so sorry Nick...”

“ No, no don't be sorry D, really. I...” Nick sat up and steeled himself to go on with this conversation and maintain an air of a blasé attitude, even if it was all fabricated. He felt bad that D sounded so guilty and he didn’t want him to. “I wasn't expecting anything, honestly. I...that's not me. You're doing the right thing. I wouldn't want you to break up with your girl because of me.

 “God, I had so much fun with you...”

Nick forced a smile on his face to make his voice sound more casual, “Yeah, yeah. It was fun. We had a good time.”

He ran his finger around the rim of his coffee cup, needing to keep his hands busy. “Things are going to get really fucking awkward now, aren't they...?”

“No way, are you kidding me? We're friends, first and foremost.”  Nick took in a deep breath and tried to lie as convincingly as he was able. Maybe if Deacon got pissed he’d stop feeling so bad. “Besides, do you think you're the first person I fucked for days and then just remained friends with afterwards? I told you, no big. I wasn't picking out wedding dresses or anything.” He added in a false laugh.

Okay. That hurt. He might have deserved it, but it still fucking hurt. “Maybe it wasn't a big deal to you.... I don't do stuff like that, Nick.”

Fuck! Nick scrubbed his face feeling even worse. He didn’t want to hurt Deacon. “Fuck, D...I just don't know what to say here…”

“No, no it's okay, Nick.. it was just a weekend of firsts, that's all...  First time for everything and all that.”

Nick sighed, losing his battle to act laid-back, “Yeah...I know.” Believe me. “I just...I don't want you to feel bad about anything Deacon. It...it meant a lot to me, ok? I don't want you to think it didn't, it's just...you're making the right decision. You are.”

Deuce sighed softly, unable to bring himself to agree with Nick.

“Hey!” Nick tried to get back his upbeat tone, “I mean it Deacon. It's cool. We're cool. I'm a big boy; I've been alone along time. I'm fine.

 “ Things will work out... for all of us.”

“Absolutely, “ Nick agreed, although he didn’t believe it at the moment , “And we're still friend, yeah? So we have this little...secret between us now. They're good memories for just us to have...and I'll still save all my good jokes for you!”

Deuce laughs softly, feeling a little lighter. “You better get a new joke book if you're telling me good jokes.”

“I'll do that.” Nick smiled sorrowfully and had to clear his throat because it felt tight, “If...if you need me to stay away I'll respect that. I don't want to make things...weird for you. I mean, maybe a little space would be good. Huh? For both of us?

He nods his head slightly, forgetting for a moment or two that Nick couldn’t actually see him doing it. “For a little while at least.”

“Ok, yeah.” Nick leaned forward and rested his elbow on his knee and hung his head.  “I think that's a good idea.”   No I fucking don’t. I’m lying Deacon, I hated not talking to you for two days, how am I supposed to go for longer…

Deuce pulled his glasses off, laying them on the table before rubbing his eyes “Just for a little while...anything long term and I might go into bad joke withdrawl.” Come on baby, smile for me.

 Nick rubbed his face as he sat back and turned his head to look out over the water. Jesus, he was sitting where they’d had their first kiss. Where he'd had his head in Deacon's lap that last night and D had played with his hair. He'd never feel that again. God, how he'd loved that.   “Deacon, I...” but he couldn’t finish because his throat got tight again. What was he going to say anyway? Deacon, I miss you? Deacon, I love you? Deacon I can make you happy, happier than she can, choose me?

 “I know, Nicky, I know... but we knew we had to go back to reality... and fuck, it sucks.” His voice sounds tight as he looks over the edge of the terrace at the water, mentally not seeing the river he was looking at, but instead the open ocean where he had spent so much time with Nick.

“Yeah,” Nick cleared his throat and forced a laugh, “yeah it kinda does…But it's all good. Really. No hard feelings, at all. I just...I just have a lot of good memories.”  He nodded to himself in acknowledgment, a lot of good memories. Nick glanced behind him to where Deacon had snuck up and fucked him last Tuesday, “I'll never look at the stern of my boat the same way again!”

 “Great memories, huh..? I'm never gonna forget this week...” A short burst of laughter left his lips at Nick’s words. “Or your couch... or that damn timer.”

Nick’s lips formed into the first legitimate smile since the conversation had started, “Fucking timer!”

 “Two more seconds! That's all we fucking needed!” He was still laughing as he got up and walked over to the edge of the balcony, leaning his elbows against the ledge with a smile.

Nick longed to go back a week to that fateful night. Longed for all of it. “I think we more than made up for it, baby.”

Deuce sucked his breath, his heart aches at the sound of being called baby. “You know we did... had to make up for weeks of flirting.”

“Hell yeah.” Nick agreed as he rested his head back again, “I'm gonna have to eat protein bars for the rest of the week to replenish!”

“Fuck the morning trips to the gym and the pool! I don't think I've ever burned so many calories so quickly.” The laugh was back again. That was one thing he loved about Nick, the ability to make him smile no matter what else was going on around him.

“I know...I know. I think I held up pretty good for an old man.” Nick smiled as an image popped into his mind, “Of course you in your nerd glasses is like natural Viagra.”  

He smirked a bit at that, finally giving Nick the confession that he knew he wanted. “You know I wore them on purpose, right? Knew they'd drive you completely insane.”

“Oh, I know it! Tried to fucking kill me...” Ah, and wouldn’t that be a spectacular death? Nick smiled, “You're lucky you got to wear clothes at all the last three days!”

 “I wouldn't have complained about the nudity!” And he would have made Nick stay naked too. He just couldn’t get enough of the sight of Nick’s naked body.

“Mmm...” Nick’s already deep voice went lower with the visual, “Neither would I.”

 “Do you have any idea how close I was to ripping that fucking uniform off of you on Wednesday?” If they’d had more than just a few minutes to get to the airport, Nick would have been half naked in a matter of seconds. The next time he was in Boston… his thoughts trailed off, mentally reminding himself that there wasn’t going to be a next time in Boston. Or anywhere else.

 “Hmmm...”  Nick smiled as he sat up, “Woulda been the best reason to be late I ever had.”

He closed his eyes, picturing Nick in his uniform in his mind, a smile crossing his face. “Couldn't stop staring at you...”

Nick started scrubbing at a mark on the table with his thumb, “Didn't take my eyes off of you all six days...”

 “I tried to behave myself the first two days! Our date and then that almost kiss.... I behaved, promise...” They had both been doing their best to behave and to keep things completely civil and along the line of friendship, but as time passed, the desire to cross that line kept getting harder and harder to resist.

“Fuck, I earned Sainthood for not making a move on you.” Nick chuckled, “You have no idea the thoughts I was I having during dinner that night...well both nights really.”

The confession fell from his lips before he could stop himself, knowing that Nick would probably kill him for it later. “And you don't know what I did after I went to bed those first two nights...”

Nick stopped scrubbing at the table and swallowed. Did D mean…? Did he really…? “You...fuck, no you didn't...”

The smirk was evident in his voice as he thought of his nights in the dark with Nick a few rooms away. “Oh yeah, I did... like you didn't.”

“Pfft...” Nick furrowed his brow and shook his head like ‘come on’, “Fuck yeah I did! It took all of my self control not to excuse myself and do it in the bathroom! Watching you eat is like an aphrodisiac.”

 “Don't think that the people at the restaurant would have appreciated it!” Kept bumping your leg under the table at dinner. It was a date. We both know it was… should have ended with a kiss.

“You never know.” Nick smiled, “Wanted to drag you in there with me. Jesus, Deacon, I had a chubby for most of the night.”

“And that first night, if you had tried... I don't think it would have ended well for either of us…” As much as his crush on Nick was starting to grow that first night, anything besides how they ended the night would have been entirely too soon. Deuce would have pushed him away and he would have spent the rest of his weekend at the nearest hotel.

“No...no.” Nick shook his head in agreement,  “I knew it was a bad idea, just like the second night. Man, I was still trying to process...” he smiled and ran his hand over the rough tan fabric of the outdoor couch, “but that look in your eyes after we talked that third night...I knew you were feeling me too. As soon as we kissed...there was no stopping then. We were like a freight train.”

 “I don't think I was ready before then... if that kiss had happened the second night, it would have just made things awkward... and I would have left on Sunday as planned and...” We never would have spent all that time together.

“No, it happened when it should have...” Nick nodded still looking at the seat cushion, “…definitely when it should have...I'm really glad you stayed.”

 “Yeah, me too.. this week after I got home has been completely insane, but it was so worth it.” You were worth it.

Nick grinned, “I'm happy you think it was.”

“How could I think anything else..? I wish things could be different, Nicky... I really do” He sighed softly as he moved back over to the table, sitting down heavily, hating how his brain kept moving back to the “what ifs.”

“No, no...don't.” Nick licked his lips. Man, he didn’t want Deacon feeling bad about this, “It's ok, really. It's all good, baby. It's all good. As cliché` as it sounds, I'm thankful for what we had.”

Those words brought a smile to his face. It might have been a little one, but it was still a smile. “That makes two of us...”

There was a second or two pause before he continued, unable to stop his worrying about the man he was falling for. “Hey... you sleeping?”

“Yeah. Really well, actually.” Nick answered, hey what’s one more lie to add to this chat? He decided to change the subject quickly though, he really didn’t like being deceitful, especially with Deacon. “Start school on Tuesday night.”

Even though he knew that Nick was lying, he put on another smile, knowing that Nick would be able to hear it in his voice. “See? Told you we'd find a way to get you to sleep...! School, huh? I'm proud that you're going back”

Nick smiled, “Don't be proud until we see how I do. It's been a long time since I've had to study. But, thanks.”

“If you need anything, just call, okay? I've been through a hell of a lot of school and studying over the years…” Any reason to talk to Nick was a good reason to him.

Nick chewed his lip, knowing he won't call, “Like a private tutor? That could be hot!”

“I'll only do it for you!” He smiled as he leaned his elbows on the table, running his fingers through his hair.

“Hmmm...Aggressive therapy and tutoring” Nick feigned a laugh, “I'm special.”

“ Yeah, yeah you are...”

Nick sighed and leaned back on the couch, feeling overcome with sadness again, “So are you, baby. So are you.”

Deuce could feel the sadness between them over the line, closing his eyes for a moment or two. “We okay...?”

“We're great.” Nick smiled unhappily, “How could we be anything else? It's us, D.”

 “Gotta keep driving one another crazy online. Ty would have us both committed if we didn't...”He forced a laugh, knowing that things were going to be awkward between the two of them for a while. Maybe permanently.

“Yeah, definitely.” Nick plucked at a stray thread on the back of the cushion, “I'll be busy with school and shit, so I probably won't have as much time to go on the computer anyway. So...” he shrugged.

 “Yeah.... I've been getting complained at for all my computer time and late nights the past few weeks...” Livi had been driving him crazy about his computer time, about how she always went to bed alone lately and was lucky if he joined her before three am.

Nick had to clench his jaw as his jealousy flared, “Mmm, well. You better cut back then.”

 “ Yeah, probably... but I've gotten so used to my quiet time at night with the glow of the computer in a dark room and a kitten at my side...” He was going to miss that. Miss the hours spent just chatting with Nick about nothing and everything at the same time. God, this was going to suck.

“Yeah, I've gotten used to...yeah” Nick let out a short laugh, “Anyway...” he sighed.

“You need something to keep you company...” Like me

“That's never been a problem for me.”  Nick answered automatically. And so what if there was a small, immature part of him that hoped Deacon would get jealous at the thought.

“So I've heard...!” He tried to keep his voice teasing, but his stomach clenched at the thought of Nick with anyone but him.

 “Hey, I'm sexy, what can I say.” The truth was Nick couldn’t imagine having sex with anyone else right now. He wandered if D has had sex with Livi since he's been home. Probably. Fuck, that hurt.

“ Mmm don't I know it?” he teased with a light smile. Sexy was just one of the many words he’d used to describe Nick over the past few days.

Nick laughed, “So you see, I'll be just fine.”

 “You better be...!” The smile on his face fell when he looked toward the closed door to see Livi walking his direction, lowering his voice a bit, the regret obvious in his tone. “I should let you go.”

“Yeah, yeah, ok” But Nick wanted to do remind Deacon a little bit about how he felt, “Ah...D?”

He smiled a little, already knowing Nick’s tricks for keeping him on the phone. “Yeah?”

“Just remember, I've got your back, yeah?” Nick closed his eyes, “Always. I'm...I'm here. I've got you.”

 “I've got you too, Nick... this doesn't change that. I've always got your back.” Those little words had never meant more to him than they did now. And he was telling the truth. No matter what happened, he was always going to have Nick’s back.

“Yeah…I know,” but no matter how much D wanted to mean that, Nick knew he couldn’t really. He had to have Livi’s back first, above Nick’s. “I'll ah...I'll talk to ya, when I talk to ya... Take care, ok. Be happy. You deserve that. Really, baby. You deserve that.” And Nick meant that, every word of it. He wanted Deacon to be happy, he truly did. Yeah, he’d have preferred it to be with him, but still…

 “So do you, Nicky... I'll talk to you later, okay? Good luck, with everything...” He knew that he should end the call and pay attention to the woman that was watching him from the closed door, but he didn’t want to let Nick go just yet. He didn’t know the next time he would get to talk to him.

“Yeah. Thanks.”  Nick cleared his throat, “I'll...keep you updated with my posts and shit.” Please don’t hang up yet...I just want to hear your voice a little longer.

 “Yeah, yeah you better throw in a few bad jokes for me too, okay?” Those damned jokes had been the first sign that Nick was flirting… and they clued Deuce in to the fact that he just might have been flirting back.

“Of course.” Nick nodded even though he didn’t intend to, not for awhile at least, “I'll see about getting a new joke book.”

“You better or I'm sending you one!” He laughed softly. He’d found himself looking at joke books online, trying to find the best one to send to Nick, just to let him know that he was still thinking about him.

“Ok, ok...” Nick took in a deep quiet breath, then another.

Deuce sighed softly as he rubbed his eyes. “Go try and salvage your weekend... I know I just blew it all to hell... for both of us”

“Nah, it's all good. You should enjoy your weekend.” Nick said, although he hoped D wouldn’t enjoy it too much, “I'm gonna head over to my boys house tonight, his wife is throwing a birthday party for him so...that should be cool.” Not really.  Nick though, It's gonna fucking suck putting on a happy face when I feel like shit.

“Sounds like a pretty good time...!” He forced a smile as he glanced toward the door. “ I don't have much planned... just bumming around the condo.”

“Well, that can be fun...*Nick answered, remembering the fun they’d had just lounging around the 580.

 “Might go to a game... just to get out of here... maybe it'll make me stop thinking so much. I'm discovering that my brain is dangerous...” The last thing he wanted was to think about their downtime on the yacht. It would just lead to him making another phone call and maybe making things even worse.

“There's a lot of you that's dangerous!” Nick snorted, “D is for dangerous!”

The laugh that left his throat was the most genuine one he’d had the entire conversation. “I'm a dangerous weapon!”

“Mmmhmm...” Nick smiled. “I'd say. You're definitely packing a war head in your pants.”

 “Oh no, that's kept in your pants! Like your cock better than mine...!” And here they were again. Despite the fact things were ending between them, they couldn’t bring themselves to keep the conversation at a PG level.

Nick was instantly turned on by those words. “No way, baby. Your cock...” Nick forced himself to stop, knowing that this line of discussion wouldn’t be productive “…we'll just have to agree to disagree.”

He groaned softly when he realized what he had started. “Shit... sorry, Nick. It just slips out around you now...”

Nick smiled, “I don't view that as a bad thing, no need to apologize!” Shit if Deacon liked his cock, if Nick’s cock was the only one D ever had the opportunity to view up close and personal besides his own, Nick could appreciate that.

“ God, the next time we –“ He broke off his sentence, stopping himself suddenly as it finally hit him that there wasn’t going to be a next time for them.

Nick swallowed the pang of sadness that rose up. There isn't gonna be a next time, Deacon He decided to give D a way out of finishing that thought, “The next time we get together for dinner, it’s on  you, yeah?”

Sadness filled his voice as he nodded slightly. “Yeah, dinner is on me... if I've paid off the credit card with the bill you all racked up at the restaurant!”

Nick laughed, “Told ya. Shoulda took us to McDonald's.”

“And you all would have bitched the entire time!” He faked another laugh, trying to keep things light between them.

“And that's different, how?” Nick teased, “We're all gonna bitch about something, regardless.”

“Yeah, but at least the steak kept you quiet for a while!” He wasn’t going to forget that dinner. The way that Nick had pushed Kelly aside and had claimed the seat next to him. They hadn’t had a chance to talk much that night, but it had been enough for him to finally admit he was crushing on the other man.

“My nerves kept me quiet.” Nick smiled fondly at the memory, “and the view.” God, Deacon took his breath away.

“Yeah, me too... seeing you that night, having you pressed so close against me as we ate cause we're all big guys...” He had never been more thankful for a small table and to be sitting with a group of big guys in his life.

Nick’s grin grew wider, “You liked me...” he sing-songed, just like he did the first time Deacon confessed this to him.

Deuce laughed as he sing songed back to him. “Maybe.”

“You did. It's ok. Our little secret.” Nick said, still grinning, “I'd been crushing on you for weeks so...”

 “I think I had been too... I just couldn't admit to myself. And when we were together during dinner and…I felt that spark...” he sighed softly, his voice barely above a whisper “still do...”

“I...” Nick had to clear his throat again, than sighed, “They say that physical attraction always dies away, right? So, in a few months...” but Nick knew it wouldn’t die for him, he just knew. Besides, it was more than physical attraction for him and he couldn’t imagine there would be a time when he wouldn't long for Deacon. And wasn't that a bitch; again with the unrequited love.

He sounds sad, knowing that he won't be able to get Nick out of his head or his heart. “A few months, huh...?”

Nick shrugged, “I guess. What the fuck do I know? This is the first time I've...” felt like this. He stopped short, realizing his slip and tried to switch to a lighter tone. “… Ah...who knows? We'll see I guess.”

"Yeah, first time for me too... Hopefully it's not months, don't think I could last that long...” The very thought of months without Nick was causing his heart completely break.

First time for you too? What do you mean, D? Do you mean...you’ve never felt like this either? But that couldn’t be right, and Nick knew it was better not to ask, “Eh, you'll be fine! And like I said, I'm here so...Just concentrate on being happy, ok? Don't think about me, just...” Nick shook head.

 “It was a hell of a lot of firsts for me this week, Nicky...” He smiled sadly. “Not going to be able to not think about you...”

“Yeah, well...I had some firsts too, so...feelings mutual,” Nick admitted, “Just...I want you to try to be happy. I mean if this is what you want, than you've gotta go for it. Make the best of it.” Make it worth it, baby. Make this pain worth it.

Deuce lowered his voice when Livi walked outside and started to cross over to him, sounding unhappy about it.  “I should go...”

“Yeah, ok.” Nick could tell by the change in D’s voice that his girl must have just arrived, “Take care, Deacon.”

He closed his eyes when Livi put  her hands on his shoulders, kissing the top of his head, remembering Nick kissing his hair.  “You too, Nick... we'll talk later, okay?”

“Yeah sure.” Nick answered, knowing it wasn’t true. He squeezed his eyes shut, God his stomach was in knots, “Bye, D.” Please don’t forget me…don’t forget what we had.

He tried to keep his voice steady as he said his good byes. “Bye Nick.”  He hangs up with a soft sigh, making sure there was a mask of a smile on his face as he turned to look back at Livi. 

Livi smiled softly as she ran her fingers through Deuce’s hair, tugging his head back to rest against her hip as she massaged his scalp, hoping that it would help him relax. She knew the masks he wore better than he thought she did and right now, she knew that he wasn’t happy and that he was fighting against whatever was going on inside his brain. “Come on, I’ve got breakfast for us.” She bent over, planting a soft kiss on his lips.

Deuce smiled up at her, nodding his head slightly. “I’ll be in in a few seconds, promise.” He watched her walk back inside, rubbing his eyes as he pushed himself up onto his feet. That conversation had taken more out of him that he ever thought it would. He squeezed his phone tightly, wanting no more than to call Nick and tell him that he had changed his mind and that he wanted to take it all back and that he wanted to be with him and not Livi.

But he also knew that another call to Nick was more than he could handle. As much as Deuce liked Nick and as hard and fast as he was falling for him, he wasn’t brave enough to go through with it. He wasn’t brave enough to risk getting hurt by someone that he had always known to be a huge flirt and could never stay in a relationship longer than a few weeks. He didn’t want to lose two years and a great relationship because he was too fucking scared of getting hurt when Nick found someone else to lust after. And to top it all off, he wasn’t brave enough to admit to himself or to anyone else that he was falling in love with another man.

He was scared to death and instead of dealing with it, he was going to push things aside and pretend like it wasn’t happening. Nick would be okay. He was Nick. He was strong and brave and could make it through anything. Including this. He hoped.

Miss you already. Deuce whispered softly, kissing his fingers and then blowing the kiss toward the water. And toward Nick. He’d made his choice and he was going to have to live with it, no matter how much it hurt.

Nick stared at the phone a moment after ending the call. He rested his elbows on his knees and hung his head, phone in hand. He’d had a feeling this was coming from the time they’d first kissed, why did it hurt so fucking much? He should have been prepared for this. A wave of anger overtook him. Not at Deacon, not at all, but at himself for allowing this to happen. Once again he’d fallen in love with a man he couldn’t have; and how ironic that once again it was with a fucking Grady. Jesus Christ, Nick must’ve been a real bastard in his past life to deserve this shit. Hell, maybe he’d been a bastard a time or two too often in this one.

He’d paid his dues, hadn’t he? He’d been through hell enough times? He didn’t want much, really, he just wanted to be in love and be happy. And D did that for him, made Nick feel…Fuck! So what if he was feeling sorry for himself, God damnit, why couldn’t this one fucking thing work out for him?!

Nick grunted through his clenched jaw as he chucked his phone against the wall with such force it broke into pieces, case and all.  He rested his face in his hands and took several deep breaths, trying to calm himself. Trying to get the tight feeling in his chest to loosen up.

It was a good thing he’d broken his phone really, because all Nick wanted to do was call Deacon back and tell him that he wasn’t ok with any of this. He wanted to tell D that he could make him happy, that he could be a relationship kind of guy. That he wanted a relationship with Deacon. That they could be together; that they should be together, because what they had was special. It was extraordinary, and Nick wanted it back. He wanted Deacon so damned bad it hurt. Fuck it hurt. Nick rubbed his chest. So, this is why they called it a heartache, huh? Because it literally felt like Nick’s heart was breaking.

He leaned back on the couch and ran his hands through his hair. His stomach twisted at the thought of Deacon with his girl right now. Yeah, D sounded sad at the good bye, and Nick was sure he was, but was there a part of Deacon that was sort of relived now? He could be with his girl without having this conversation hanging over his head. Without the guilt. He could give her his all.

It was going to be okay. Nick took a deep breath through his nose and closed his eyes. It was going to be okay. He wasn’t going to allow himself to hold on and waste another twenty years of his life pining for a man he’d never have. He needed to get his shit together fast this time. He’d be okay. Yep, he was going to be just fine. All he had to do was keep reminding himself of that and maybe he’d eventually believe it.